How to Get Nothing Done

A guide for perfectionists!

Note: a lot of this is tongue-in-cheek and I swear I don’t hate you. but some things there’s no gentle way to say.

Most importantly, you MUST assign yourself mutually exclusive or at least contradictory goals. When your premises are
If A, then Not B
and
If B, then Not A

You must make a single effort that achieves both A and B. You get ONE CHANCE and must achieve A and B simultaneously.

Then you must refuse to use any shortcuts. If you make the process any more efficient (read: easy, which is for lazy bad people), it’s as bad as just not doing it at all!

Preemptively assume that you cannot use any skills or materials you already have. Rule everything out that you can already do, or that you already know. None of that can possibly be useful, so you’d better discard it right from the start. You need an entirely new problem solving infrastructure and it had better be comprehensive and a flawless fit.

Do not allow anyone else any control or input. Only bad people work cooperatively, bad lazy people. It doesn’t matter if someone else COULD help you. You MUST not let them. Only you can solve every problem forever. Or only you SHOULD. same thing, surely.

How much time would this realistically take? NO. It will take… well, don’t worry about that. It’ll take a long time. So long. Longer than you have. Your great grandchildren will be toiling away at this. It will consume your life forever. Goodbye. No one will miss you because you failed to complete this thing.

Congratulations you have done absolutely nothing but make yourself feel like shit, but since that was your real goal here, you win!

(For more genuinely helpful information, I recommend Joseph Ferrari’s book Still Procrastinating?: The No Regrets Guide to Getting It Done or the Ologies episode on which he was a guest.)